I recently heard that you offered some guy tickets to a sports game, and that was enough to make him renounce his “homosexual lifestyle.” Rather than tell you how bat-shit cray cray you sound, I want you to know that I love you and I’m prepared to renounce my “homosexual lifestyle” too (no one really needs brunch), but I’m afraid I’m going to be a little harder to “save” than your easily-pleased gentleman friend (that’s what she said!).

So the following are my demands. Come on guys, God told me he wants you to help me out:

1.  A corkscrew–I’m starting off small, but I’ve got a bottle of Pinot Noir that Matthias gave me and it’s not going to open itself, so chop-chop.

2. The mauve and lavender-trim outfit worn by Deanna Troy in Star Trek Next Generation. This is very important to my heterosexuality because…er, shoulder-to-hip ratio?

3. A fan. Listen, I’m tired of Karl Lagerfeld lauding it over everyone with his huge-ass fans. So I want a massive one. One so large it needs a zoning-permit and you two are gonna have to lift it for me and follow me while I go to the gym cos that place gets me sticky. If you care about my soul, you’ll do this.

4. Joan Rivers resurrected. Look, this one I’m gonna admit is a bit of an ask, so here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna say to you that this one can be a longterm goal and you can, you know, use your Christian prayer powers to, like, make her come back. Alternatively, you can channel your millions into recreating Joan as a replacement for Siri cause that bitch is working my last nerve. Besides, I think that Joan probably was a cyborg anyway, so she might come back on her own. (Are cyborgs against Jesus? Was Jesus a cyborg? Oh my God, was Jesus The Terminator?)

5. I recently saw that you are friends with Kevin Sorbo of Hercules fame. Yeah I don’t care for him, but I would like to know if he has (Xena) Lucy Lawless’ number?

6. Get me Lucy Lawless’ number. She and I would have a lot to talk about and I need to learn how to throw a chakram for… reasons.

7. I would like Kelly Clarkson to come to my house and sing to me. Now, she’s wicked-cool and super busy because she just spawned adorableness (called River Rose no less-and I don’t think she even knows the Whovian references!) and her new album is so good I have had to wear sanitary towels for the past week, but, like, if you know people who can get in touch with her people, that would be great. I’ll put on a fantastic spread and I’ll be super discreet. She won’t even notice the webcam(s).

8. Dog Zumba lessons. My dog Carmichael is, like, 0.5 and I’ve got to start tiger mumming him now if I ever want him to win even the regional competitive dog grooming championships. To have him looking his best (after all, a dog needs to exercise to maintain a healthy coat) I was thinking of getting him enrolled in Zumba, but this tanned turnip at the gym told me that they’re not equipped to have schnauzers, or dogs of any kind. Well, this just isn’t acceptable. So I need dog Zumba lessons. Or for you to kill that guy at the gym for me. I think it’s fine for your religion. God smites people all the time. You know, whatever’s easiest.

9. Surgery. I look good right now, but I’ve always thought I’d look better with a butt-lift and calf implants. Which is important for heterosexuals because… if I’m going to be wholly resurrected I want to make sure I’m coming back looking my best, you know?

10. And finally, Harry Styles. To… play backgammon with. I’m big on board games.

So if you could get right on that, I’ll totally renounce my homosexual ways. Like, you just say the word and I will absolutely throw out my original off-Broadway recording of Michael Arden doing the Bare soundtrack, I’ll unfollow Tom Daley and his trunks on Instagram, and I’ll absolutely stop typing “Zac Efron” into Google Maps.

Cheers and kisses… I mean, manly, not-at-all-gay, crotch rubbing hugs.

Simon x

Source: GROOP!Place Blogs
An Open Letter to the Benham Brothers: You Can De-Gay Me, Too!